Who’s the Teacher?

Keith. What can I tell you about Keith? He was in his first year of college. He was a track athlete. He was black. He was proud. He was from the Houston and Galveston area. He and his twin were both in my basic English class their first semester at Cowley College. Most importantly, he was my teacher as much as I was his.

Early in the semester, Keith’s brother stopped attending class. I still remember walking up to Keith from behind (we were in a computer classroom), putting my hand on his shoulder to quietly get his attention to ask about his brother, and only narrowly avoiding being hit when he instinctively rose with fist drawn. Where he came from, and where he was, were two very different places. He had much to learn, but I had more. It was the first point in time where he could see I cared about him personally. It was my first time to recognize I could not assume I had the trust of those in my classroom just because my role was teacher.

Keith taught me many lessons in his time with me. He taught me that the most intelligent individuals on the planet just might be sitting in developmental classes due to the poor educational opportunities they’ve had. Keith could explain the educational system in Texas and exactly how his schools were substandard. He knew the flow of the state’s money and where it went instead. He may have benefited from my class, maybe mostly from my mentoring, but he had all he needed inside himself to be successful.

Keith became my foster son through a college program for athletes. I’d requested him when Isaac wanted a brother instead of all sisters, and after that initial classroom incident. I guess I wanted to keep learning from him. We talked often, we discussed issues he had at school, he came to my home, we went to movies and talked about books, and he was a great big brother to Isaac.

Keith’s twin brother left college and went home after getting too far behind in classes. I remember Keith coming to my office not long before finals one semester to tell me he had to go home. His brother had gotten into trouble with some people, and Keith felt he had to go there and get involved. He was worried about his brother and was torn. He was doing well in school, but family was important to him. I understand the strong feelings of family, but I knew Keith’s path was already a tough one. I took a deep breath, and then we talked about the reasons he needed to stay—only one of which was those exams. He left in thought, and later came back to tell me he was staying to finish out the semester. It was a good educational decision, but my relief was something else, something much more. I knew if Keith went, he, too, could end up on the wrong end of those same people, of the law or, worse, of a gun.

Keith and I keep in contact periodically. I’ve read a few things he’s written recently, with titles like “Who’s Next? The Black Political Imperative Post Obama Presidency and the essential need to actively participate in Local Government”,  “The Case against the Confederacy and its poignant symbol”, and “Au Contraire Dr. McWhorter”, which counters an anti-Black Lives Matter article written by a professor from Columbia University. His job is managing a $20 million budget for social services workforce development contracts in Austin, he’s active in his community, and he’s writing a book advocating for a public health workforce development program for minorities that can “serve as a catalyst for preventable disease and preventive violence methodologies.”

Keith started in my basic English class, and now he’s an advocate for others, and he’s a writer. Ah, the lessons we learn from those who cross our life’s path and become embedded in our hearts.

 

Goodbye, Alice.

I’m just one of many people who loved Alice. She was kind–always. She was my friend, but, then, she was a friend to all she met.

Alice’s memorial service was yesterday. Even knowing she was ready, I was saddened by the thought of a goodbye. I drove into the parking lot, saw how full it was, and pulled back out. Not that I’ve ever looked forward to funerals, but I haven’t been very good with them since my dad’s almost three years ago. I figured, there are so many people there, I’ll not be missed. But as I drove out, I could tell I needed to be there. I drove around the block and came back, entering the church right as it was time to begin and sitting at the back.

Besides sharing a church and loving several of the same people due to that affiliation, Alice and I had a couple other strong connections that bound us together–Chelsea and Ashley, her granddaughters. Both had been in classes with me at Cowley College, and they were and are remarkable young women. Alice and I spoke of them almost weekly for years. She was so proud of the women they are. I don’t mean things like education and jobs, although those were always quite good as well. I mean, who they are…inside.

Chelsea and Ashley did Alice proud in front of a full congregation yesterday by speaking about who she was and how they loved her. She was a major part of who these women became in life–strong, intelligent and compassionate. I can only hope they realize how much they added to her life, too. That truth was evident in every word Alice spoke of them.

Am I glad I went? Oh, yes, I am. Mostly, however, I’m glad to have hugged and been hugged in return by Chelsea and Ashley. I could feel Alice’s smile upon us in those brief moments of connection.

Alice, you are in your well-deserved Wonderland now, and I can just imagine the joy that met you there.

Aldermarsh: Spaces

In the darkness of the night at Aldermarsh, with my window open wide, I hear a coyote howl.  It reminds me of the loneliness I felt before this place, the longing, not understanding why.

I think of how much he’d love this space, yet if he were with me the internal journal might not have taken place.

Aldermarsh opens itself to people. It breathes of a life force not found many places, and certainly not spaces I’ve found. It’s natural yet welcoming, and I can feel that many have loved it before I.

WhidbeyHouse

In the shadows of my last morning is a softness I’ve come to love in only a few days. In the stacked rocks is a strength I’ve come to feel as my own.

If I’d known the personal road of the journey I would take ahead of time, I would not have come. Yet, now, I can feel myself on the verge of tears with a shortness of breath as I prepare to leave this place.

I know how to pack the items I brought with me, most of which I did not need. But how do I pack the emotions and spirits that have moved my sense of being? The feel of this air and the smell of this part of nature? The people who swept into my heart like a feather tickling my soul and urging it toward healing?

I pray I remember it all, especially how I felt as my spirit healed. The strength I found by placing the hurt I’d held in a greater context of my journey rather than letting it continue to define who I am.

There’s now a peace to being me that I’ve not truly felt since I was a child. An excitement to consider how the life I live will change in a beautiful way. A way that hurts no one,  only delights.

WhidbeyWalk   The path I’m on is clearer, the road I travel is filled with a beautiful anticipation of what’s to come.

I have peace that I will know my place on the various walks of life I take, that the spirit found at Aldermarsh, and those who were present here with me, go with me, and with each of them, as we continue on to fulfill our purpose here, in this life, on our beautiful space on this Earth.

And I feel grateful to all who were part of this time. Namaste.

 

It’s Not My Story, but it is The Way it Was: Midnight and Mud

Night Cross

 As I walk through the mud, I wonder if I’ll even make it to the other side. I wonder, how did it get to this point? Me, midnight, two babies, scared.  And I think back to just a few years ago, and him.

We were poor, but he was hard-working, a farmer, unafraid of labor. I hadn’t really considered getting married yet, but when I met him, I knew he was the right one. When our son was born we were so happy, so content, the family we’d always wanted to be. But we were still poor, and oppression in our country was rough. We were troubled with lack of work, lack of income, lost at not being able to take care of our family. He felt less a man, and I knew not how to help him. After hearing of dreams realized by others in the United States, we began to think of the opportunities there. But he was unwilling to take a young wife and baby who was not quite 1.

So, alone, he left for the trip to find work, new opportunities, a way to support his family. And I waited, unknowingly pregnant already with a 2nd son, trying to manage a child, living with my parents, who really couldn’t afford us either. I was lonely. And I waited, hinging on the brink of depression but unable to go to that dark place with a little one relying on me. Hoping, especially once I discovered I was pregnant, that I’d be with him long before this baby came.

But that didn’t happen. And I had a terrible delivery, with a wet nurse who didn’t think I’d survive, wondering who would get word to him, in the United States, if I didn’t. But I, we, survived. To live alone, still, without him.

Almost a year has passed since that day. The world I live in has gotten worse, the poverty and discrimination, tyranny really, is overwhelming, and I had to write to him that I wasn’t sure how long we’d survive. He’d hoped to have more time to really help us come over, but instead, now, we were to sell our personal belongings for the trip and come.

I am scared, but excited. I hope he won’t have changed too much, and I hope I haven’t either. I want my husband, my family, back. Luckily, my brother-in-law said he’d go with us since I have two children, babies really, one 11 months old now, who’s never even been seen by his father, and one 2.

When we arrive at the border, excited to go on, we’re stopped by guards and told it is closed. We cannot cross. It doesn’t matter that the other half of my heart is over there. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been alone, for 2 years now, just waiting for this moment in time. But time has stopped for me. I panic but cannot talk. We move back and sit a bit, trying not to think about what it means to return to nothing. Trying not to think about if I’ll ever see him again.

My brother-in-law understands my depression and finds a guard. Bribes him with all the money we have. A final attempt to get across this border that is, truly, only another portion of God’s land. But now it represents oppression. Dreams lost. The fear of a young woman. Me.  But it works, and we’re told to get rid of everything we can’t easily carry. We’re told where to meet, at midnight. Me, my brother-in-law, and two little boys. Boys who should be fed and fast asleep long before that time.

The fear is overwhelming, but there are things to do. I get rid of everything but a few diapers, a change of clothes for the boys, a few personal mementos. I put them in a pillowcase. All my life is now diminished to a pillowcase. And two little people who rely on me. And a man I haven’t seen in 2 years. I never thought this would be my life.

Now, here I am, walking in the rain, across muddy swamps, trying to remember the Promised Land is ahead. Maybe.  If we make it. You can’t imagine my fear when we met the guard at midnight. He only then realized how young the boys were, and he said, “You better keep that little one quiet. If he cries, I’ll have to fire my gun to warn the other guards someone is sneaking across. You know what that means?” I do. It means prison. If I’m lucky.

I don’t know what it means for the boys. I choose not to think of that as I pat my baby’s back and try to keep him quiet. We move on. We get to a fence. Barbed wire. We have to crawl under. The guard doesn’t help. He’s done, except to tell us to keep moving after we cross so we don’t get caught. The guard has his money, my money, all I’m worth in the world. Except to him. The one I’m slowly moving toward on this night. Midnight and mud. Toward morning. Toward light. Toward life.

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Final Thoughts: Her reality to mine

You’ve heard stories like this, whatever your sympathies or political leanings are. But this one isn’t quite the same. It’s not from the Cervantes side of my family, like it might seem.  It’s a story that began with a wedding in 1906 and a border crossing in 1911. A German border.  And it’s the story of my great grandmother. Not Josefina Salazar, but Wilhelmina Busch, and Adolf Weis. The parents of another baby boy they named Waldo Weis, but who went to school in a little town in Oklahoma, where the teacher misheard him and listed him as Walter. The name stuck.

So, what does The Way It Was make me? It is the way it was. It is the reason I’m here, with you, and an obligation to a young woman named Wilhelmina to make the best life I can.

Beginnings

Where did it begin?

Do you love beginnings or hate them? Look forward to them or fear them? Truly, I oftentimes love change, but my preference is to be past that beginning and right in the middle of the challenge of it.

I’ve been thinking about what to post first on this website, SoulfulBeing.net, fully intending it to be something academic, dealing with writing and reading and the importance of critical thinking in life today. I have journals full of writings I want to share, poems written on everything from restaurant receipts to church bulletins, reflections about my past, my present, my hopes and fears and, well, you get the idea. Where to do I begin?  Continue reading